I'll begin with a brief sidebar regarding the closed-captioning service being utilized by the treadmills in my gym. Granted, the ratio of deaf to non-deaf people watching American Idol while using a treadmill at my gym is probably 1:1873285329875983694796, however, for that 1 person in all 1,873,285,329,875,983,694,796 of us, it must be one confusing hour of entertainment.

I wish I'd taken a photograph of the screen, but I didn't bring my phone with me to the gym, so this is a simulated version:

Not even slightly exaggerating.

You know, watching this kid is painful enough without having to imagine him gurgling incoherently into a microphone.

Also, I know he's like five years old, but if someone would please let him know that the line is "Imagine all the people, sharing ALL the world" and not "sharing FOR the world," that'd be great, 'cause he's probably going to sing it all.the.fucking.time. Incorrectly.

So yeah, anyway, the kid's going to win tonight. That's obvious. The sad part is, he's not at all ready for it. I actually think he might collapse to the floor and assume the fetal position... after he piddles all over himself.

David Cook has "Record Contract" written all over him, but as with all electoral systems in this country, the voting is plagued by morons. Oh wells. I'm sure he'll do fine, along with the rest of the top 6ish. He sang I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For last night, which was awesome because I've never seen anyone do U2 on this show. He should have done Pride (In the Name of Love) since his voice is much more suited to the lower register and he's not Bono, so he can't get away with that shit.

The fan songs are always so awful. They should just release their best cover as their first single and then let the new stuff come with their albums. This Is My Now? A Moment Like This? I Just Threw Up In My Mouth a Little? Please. We have enough air pollution, no room for more.