I have found the answer to all my questions.

I once believed that I would never get an answer. I used to think " Am I the only one?"  I now know that I'm not alone.

If you suffer from this large burden between your legs, the answer lies right here in this very book.

Just check out some of these clever chapters:

• You Are Not Alone: Huge Penises in History
• Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family
• Care and Maintenance of Your Huge Penis

You would be surprised how many famous people struggled with this very curse. Mary Todd, Abe Lincoln's wife, went crazy because of "Abe's horse like genitals." How horrible was that. Mark Twain was constantly picked on because it was said that his huge penis could sink 12 feet deep into the ocean. Poor Mark...

Read more about this book on Amazon: How to Live with a Huge Penis

Also you can enjoy a nice Obama Chia, when you purchase this book.

( Great Deal!,  shhhhh... Don't spoil the surprise. This is The Black Boy Wonder's Kwanzaa present!!)

Was going through a couple of sites and happened to stumble upon this great designer.

Matt Elwood: Graphic Designer out of Newcastle. He's still finishing up his studies at Northumbria University.

Love his work!

• Great work on branding.
• Love the way he photographs his work for his portfolio .
• Layout of his site is just great.
• Well thought out concepts and ideas in all his work.

Check it out LINK

A friend of mine told me about this tonight and I didn't believe it was real, so she sent me a link and I am now tormented by the knowledge that it is, indeed, a real product. A dildo for vampire fans. One that you can "toss in the fridge for that authentic experience" ... seriously? The fact that this thing ACTUALLY EXISTS, in a true, non-ironic sense, is so very disturbing. By the way, the dildo purchase page has a link for "expert advice" where they recommend things you may like if you buy this item. The list consists of vampire movies and TV shows. And guess what's on there?

Come on, you know it. What special vampire sparkles in the daylight like this here dildo? Did you guess Edward Cullen? Go you! They're final sell line on the page is actually: "Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today."

Look, I'm going to be really blunt right here... anyone who likes Twilight enough to purchase this thing needs to seriously re-think their existence. They might just be too pathetic to continue on in life.

Speaking of Twilight, I'm actually at a loss as to which of the two items in this post is more disturbing. Please feel free to chime in and let me know which one gives you more nightmares. Here's that is so fucking creepy item number two:

Be safe?

Seriously? Can we talk about your mental idea of safety? And, while we're at it... sanity?

How is this book popular enough to bring about merchandise like this? And... WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS?

I just... I mean... what???

I think I should stop now before someone tells me there's a sparkling Edward Cullen blow up doll made out of ice packs out there somewhere.

Really? Couldn't think of a better title? 100 Acre Cookies? No?

Now, obviously, the best thing about a book like this is going to be the review section at Amazon. Is the design supposed to be "extreme," too? If so, I'd like to talk to them about their kerning. :/

Anyway, the review section on this does not disappoint. It is overloaded with people either making fun of how "extreme" this book is and mocking its existence (which is what I'm doing, only in a far classier way), or being angry with the "extreme" people for not taking the bible and everything in it 100% literally and telling them that Jesus died for their sins.

My favorite review is probably this one, by Nottel:

I hate it when people make reviews of the Bible like it is just a regular old book. This "book" has more truth in it then any other book in the world. So if you are not a Christian don't right a review. You don't know what you are talking about. Now I haven't read this inparticular version, but I do have the NCV version and it is the best Bible a teen could own. Its easy to read and has lots of facts stuff into it to help you understand the Bible. The Bilble is not to be taken as some old random story but very literally. Millions are pursicuted every day because of their beliefs in it. I highly recomend this Bible for young teens.

For you ppl who r gonna say "Prove the Bible is true." Well then I say to u "Prove that it is false," and I garntee that ur answer will b that it is true. So for crying out loud just check up on it ur self.

JESUS MY OWR WORLD!!!!!!!!

Nottel... I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but... Jesus hates people who use web speak in Bible reviews. Sorry. You're going to hell. Also: than, write, particular, it's, stuffed, Bible, persecuted, people, are, you, guarantee, your, be, yourself, own.

I'm not even going to get into the grammar.

You're welcome.

The other day, I was at St. Mark's with a friend of mine and she wanted to stop into a comic book store. I spotted these things on the wall as we were on our way out and couldn't help but snap a photo because it's just too ridiculous to be true without photographic evidence.

I know the movie just swept the MTV awards, and I also know a bunch of people who've read these books and watched the movie, but have done so ONLY because they think it's so awful that it's just one of those things you can't stop looking at - like a really bad car accident that causes bumper to bumper traffic on the Northern State - you know? It's horrible and terrible and yet, there you are... staring.

So here's my review of Twilight, which is the only book in this series that I will ever be able to bring myself to read. Reasons for that statement are to follow. Fair warning - if you're a lover of this series, and are easily offended by obnoxious (but true!) comments about it, please stop reading now.

You've been warned.

I have to say this - I am completely baffled by the people who read these books (or watched the movie, or both) because they genuinely think it's good.

I bought the first book back before I had any idea what Twilight was, and it pretty much sat on my shelf for a good year before the entire world wouldn't shut up about it and I figured I'd see what all the hype was about.

People, I still do not get what all the hype is about.

This book was the most difficult 500+ pages of reading I have ever done in my life - not because it was so deep, or moving, or thought provoking, or because I loved it so much that I didn't want it to end - but because it was so. SO. SO mind-numblingly awful. I couldn't wait to be done with it because being done would mean I could finally set fire to it and watch it burn and die.

This book is pure crap. It is awful in every way that something could possible ever be awful. Really. Shit smeared on a page would be more compelling than this story.

First thing's first: There is a grand scale of difference between being a skilled writer and being a skilled storyteller. A great example of this is J.K. Rowling - I will be the first one to say that the Harry Potter series is a great story. It's really well conceived, it's interesting, the characters are, for the most part, strong and well developed - sure it has its low points, but overall, it's good stuff. Rowling created her own, original universe and won over millions of people with the fantastical reality that her characters existed in. She is an excellent storyteller. She is not, however, a very good writer. Her technique and her language both leave a lot to be desired, but the fact that she conceived of, and can tell the story kind of balances it out in the end. You have to be one or the other. Preferably both.

Stephenie Meyer is neither of these things.

She's said that the concept for Twilight came to her in a dream in June of 2003, about a human girl and a vampire who was in love with her, but wanted to drink her blood. Now, maybe that's true... or maybe she'd caught the series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer a few weeks earlier and thought it be easy to rip since it had ended - who knows - what matters is that the basic concept of that love story isn't new. We've seen it done before. We've seen it done better. SO, what could she add to someone else's idea to make it original... hmm.

Bella Swan is, perhaps, the most God-awful female protagonist ever to be put to the page. She is a complete and utter Mary Sue, useless in just about every way, and her entire existence makes absolutely no sense. Everyone loves her, thinks she's beautiful, wants to be her friend/boyfriend/crazy vampire stalker, and yet, she's miserable and everything she thinks about is centered around either Edward, or Oh, woe is me, my life is so awful. So very, very awful. The girl needs a therapist, not a vampire and his clan of dazzling sparklers. Clearly she's suffering from some kind of clinical depression. Honestly, it would have made a better story.

And how about Edward. I can't even begin to talk about this character without rolling my eyes so hard that I'm afraid I might not be able to spin them back. First off... he sparkles. Like. Literally... shimmers in the sunlight, sparkles. Let's forget about the fact that he's a vampire and walks in daylight, because who cares about mythology when you have epic romance. Obviously, that should be all any young girl needs in a man. Death and sparkles. But hey, if that's not enough, here's what else: he's kind of a stalker! And a possessive, brooding, creepy one, at that! He, among other things, spies on Bella in her sleep, listens in on her conversations, eavesdrops on the thoughts of her friends because (OH NO!) he can't read her mind, and dictates who she should and shouldn't speak to. In the real world, he's a restraining order waiting to happen. In Meyer's world, he's oh, so dreamy.

One of the things I find most ridiculous about this "saga" is Bella's reaction to Edward's very being. The girl damn near faints from lack of breath every time she thinks about him or looks at him. Kissing him is practically an asthma attack. Also, it all leads into this desperation she has to die so that she can be young and with Edward forever. Like... fuck her parents, her friends, people who care about her - which she doesn't even give a second thought to when she decides she wants this - there's nothing in her life worth living for without this guy. Way to go, positive message for young teenage readers! Did I mention how this book sets feminism back several centuries? And I'm not even a feminist, but holy shit.

Like I said, Twilight is the only one I've read, but I know a lot of people who've finished the series and watched the movie, so I know what's in store and am properly bewildered... particularly by the idea of the birth scene, in which there's blood everywhere, a feeding frenzy, explosive baby delivering, a siring, and a werewolf "marking" a newborn as his intended. I think that's all in one scene, too, but feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. If the preview for the film's sequel - which basically looks and sounds EXACTLY like the preview for the first movie - is any indication, I'm sure, with such incredible acting talent in the leads, all of this will be epic when put to film. And by "epic" I, of course, mean nauseating. Also, Robert Pattenson looks like a foot. I really don't understand the lure there.

We don't have an official rating system here at Word Vomit, but if we did, I imagine we'd measure it in flies on a scale of 1-5, and I don't think I'd even be able to give half a dead fly to this book. Maybe one wing. From a dead fly. That's been sitting on some horse shit for several weeks. In the sun. Sparkling.

Captain Kirk's  Guide to Women, really? Where are the nerds when you need them, because I'm sure as hell not buying this book. I'm also not into women with pointy elf ears either.  This shit belongs strictly in the convention center , not on 7th ave.  It doesn't even make a perfect Father's Day gift!

Example chapters:

Intergalactic Prophylactics

Chicks With 3 Tits

Space Hairplugs

Spending Quality Time With Your Phaser

BEAM ME UP SCOTTTYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

How To Control Your Lightspeed

Holodeck Masturbation Techniques

Mastering The Klingon Staff Grip

And for all you guys that dig guys, we have:

Sulu's Guide To Space Men ( so fabulous )