In our first post for the new year, I'd like to bring to your attention a little thing that Duane Reade is doing to NYers. If you're not familiar with Duane Reade, it is a local pharmacy chain here in NYC in the same vain as CVS, Walgreens or Rite Aid. First of all let me say this, because I haven't said it before on Word Vomit, but Duane Reade sucks balls for their new hideous designs. They're logo is wretched and the new color palettes they've introduced makes me want to urinate on the Pantone color book that was given to their graphic designer(s).

With that being said, not only have they introduced pastels of doom, they had the nerve to re-do their Spending Rewards Program. This was the only shining thing about the store. In these uncertain economic times, us NYers have come to rely on DR's rewards system. For every dollar you spend, 1 point is given. For every 100 points you get a, $5 coupon is issued. This was good. Those things came in handy, because you could get about $10 every month or so from DR, if you spent enough and sometimes you could. We've come to rely on them. It was a nice gift. Clearly, they saw this and decided to ruin it. So to pay for their expesnive and sucky store remodeling and to pay those awful graphic designers who changed their look, they had to go say fuck you NY and then proceeded to rape us in the face.

They had a mandatory change to the new RewardsFlex program. So this is how it goes now:

For every dollar you spend, 2 points are given. Pretty cool.

For every 500 points you get, $5 coupon is given out to you. Wait what the fuck?!

I roughly had to spend $100 to get $5 back. Now I have to spend $500 to get $5 back? Are you fucking kidding me? I have to spend $500 in Duane Reade? Best Buy doesn't even have the balls to do that and they sell fucking tvs and other shit!

For once I am utterly appalled by this and I wanted to channel my Jewish brethren and write a stern letter of disapproval and vow never to shop in their store again, but then I said to myself, where the hell will I shop at 1:OOAM when I need something? Fuck. Trapped like mice in a cage. Sneaky bastards. They've cornered me with this horrible points system. Do you know how long you could go before you'd spend $500 in Duane Reade? You could go months before you saw a $5 coupon. I'd rather not use it now.

Thanks very, much Duane Reade. I've never willing gotten raped in the face before until now and I've got to tell you -- if you're gonna be raping people in the face like this was Ozwald Penitentiary at least have the decency to have Christopher Meloni around. Fuckers.

The Amazing Amazon.com Reviews tumblog suggests that the "Not For the Weak" review is the most amazing, but I believe that these other 2 reviews have much more important information for the consumer. We should always be aware of where our products are being made. It would be unacceptable, not to mention completely unpatriotic, for self-respecting American citizens to purchase Chinese-made testicles for their cars. Thanks to these reviewers, nobody will make that mistake.

I guess now we know why Barbie left him.

The thing is... if I had a case like this on my (non-existant) iPhone, I would literally throw it against walls all day long like one of those old blue handballs. BECAUSE IT WOULD MAKE ME GIGGLE.

Why don't we have a category for "Things That Are Awesome?"

Sometimes on a Thursday... uhhhh huh

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I like to go over to the nearby Starbucks on 36th and 7th.... uhhhh huh

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And I sit there and just stare at people drinking lattès  uhhhhhh huh

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(Man gets on the loud speaker) Ladies and Gentlemen The T has left the building.......   with a "Iced Venti Quad Non-Fat 4 Equal Espresso"

(As he leaves, "Hound Dog," by none other than yours truly, slowly fades in.)

Left: ePhone Right: iPhone

Leave it up to the Chinese to crap on the iPhone and make a cheesy bootleg. I just so happened to see the phone sitting on someone's desk and I mistook it for a cheap case cover. Nope it was in fact a phone. It just happened to be cleverly called an Ephone.
( Bootleggers are so clever sometimes with their play on words.)
It was remarkable how real the whole system was. Other than the shell being slightly boxier, with a double circle home button. The operating system looked exact, except they cleverly changed the names to most of the programs. So don't get surprised if you hit the safari button and end up someplace else.

You do get TV on it though, but no Internet. Also, you can use two sim cards at once. Someone was raving about this part, I frankly don't see any use for more than one sim card unless you're sort of drug dealer. That would mean you pay for two services.
Might as well splurge and just pay for the At&t plan. ( cheap ass )

It you want to get ripped off, or you're just one of those people who like bootleg shit. ( You know who you are )
Go to Lightinthebox.com and get your own, along with other junky ghetto phones.

I find myself sometimes reading other people's blogs an thinking who the fuck writes these things. Take today for example, I was reading a blog  ( here is the link ) and this guy was talking about the top 10 worst consumer products ever invented. Every single product he listed is used by millions of people every day.

Here is the list.

1. Bottled Water  ( why is this bad ? )
2. Sugared Cereal  ( did this man have no fucking childhood ? )
3. Ab Machines  ( this dick probably is fat )
4. Microwaves  ( really?    I mean really? )
5. Sleeping Pills for Children  ( Only thing I agree on , Chestykins doesn't feel the same way )
6. Self Help Books
7. Cough Medicine  ( Shit Robitussin cures everything )
8. Diet Products  ( once again this guy's probably fat )
9. Disposable Razors  ( He's probably a hippie too  )
10. And the best of all. Disposable Cutlery  ( Not everyone can afford China motha fucka )

When I see the heading Worst Consumer Products , shit like dog ramp and steak branders,  Home Garden Statues of St. Peter  ( I like that one ), they rank much higher than this shit.

In conclusion: Dumb people get off WordPress NOW.

I mean... seriously? The Delta Skymall has a lot of stupid shit in their catalogue, but this one takes the cake.

This is just a dead person waiting to happen. We all know that despite that nice little red warning that tells you this product is "Not for use while driving," some stupid idiot is going to have this shit set up in their passenger seat and conduct their damn business meeting while on the LIE or something. The thing has a hanging file rack and an optional printer stand, making it even easier for someone to be more of a douche behind the wheel. WHO NEEDS A HANGING FILE RACK IN THEIR CAR?

Here it is folks, the Chia Obama; the latest in the weakening of America's dignity. Never in my life have I ever felt so enraged and just down right pissed off at something like this. I wanted to laugh, I really did, but I couldn't. I couldn't get passed it.  I thought for a second and realized there wasn't a Chia made for Clinton or Bush when they were President. So why now? Did President Obama inspire so much that we needed a fuckin' Chia Head of him?! I'm mean really?!

There's endless crap being mass produced with President Obama's face on it and this has nothing to do with the fact that he's our first, Black President. No, this has something to do with the fact that people are seriously taking advantage of this man's historical feat and making money off it regardless of how happy they are about who our new President may be. It's dispicable! This should be viewed as entirely disrespectful to him and Chia should be shot for even trying to capitalize on this. Clearly Chia haven't sold much in the mobile homes across America since the invention of, I don't know, flowers! You might as well make Chia Negro or Chia Jew next. That'll sell, like hotcakes. They even have the nerve to have this come in two different poses, happy and determined. Losers!

Where do I begin?

Let's first state the fact that this girl is from Jersey ( Thus, fueling the stereotype that these girls are bred slutty )

Second: Why is this girl getting off with a slap on the wrist?

If any male were to get caught viewing these pictures, his life would be over.

• Arrested for child pornography ( I sure he wouldn't get the "just therapy" option would not be available )
• Forced to register as a sex offender ( and that's never good )
• Branded as a Pedophile for the rest of his god-forsaken life.
• He can't even drive by a school or pass by a playground without looking suspicious ( these simple pleasures )

Where are the girl's parents in this situation?

Who made them parents?

What's the daughter thinking when posting these pictures? ( web designers note: who is her target audience? )

With the make-up and clothes and all the crap girls do to themselves to appear older these days, most of the people checking out her photos wouldn't even realize she's underage!  Which was probably her intention.

My sympathy goes to the poor schmuck that downloads the pictures on his hard drive and doesn't realize this girl is underage.

Word-Vomit Official Verdict:

Four years in the slammer for being slutty. Come back when you're legal and we'll talk about it.