In our first post for the new year, I'd like to bring to your attention a little thing that Duane Reade is doing to NYers. If you're not familiar with Duane Reade, it is a local pharmacy chain here in NYC in the same vain as CVS, Walgreens or Rite Aid. First of all let me say this, because I haven't said it before on Word Vomit, but Duane Reade sucks balls for their new hideous designs. They're logo is wretched and the new color palettes they've introduced makes me want to urinate on the Pantone color book that was given to their graphic designer(s).

With that being said, not only have they introduced pastels of doom, they had the nerve to re-do their Spending Rewards Program. This was the only shining thing about the store. In these uncertain economic times, us NYers have come to rely on DR's rewards system. For every dollar you spend, 1 point is given. For every 100 points you get a, $5 coupon is issued. This was good. Those things came in handy, because you could get about $10 every month or so from DR, if you spent enough and sometimes you could. We've come to rely on them. It was a nice gift. Clearly, they saw this and decided to ruin it. So to pay for their expesnive and sucky store remodeling and to pay those awful graphic designers who changed their look, they had to go say fuck you NY and then proceeded to rape us in the face.

They had a mandatory change to the new RewardsFlex program. So this is how it goes now:

For every dollar you spend, 2 points are given. Pretty cool.

For every 500 points you get, $5 coupon is given out to you. Wait what the fuck?!

I roughly had to spend $100 to get $5 back. Now I have to spend $500 to get $5 back? Are you fucking kidding me? I have to spend $500 in Duane Reade? Best Buy doesn't even have the balls to do that and they sell fucking tvs and other shit!

For once I am utterly appalled by this and I wanted to channel my Jewish brethren and write a stern letter of disapproval and vow never to shop in their store again, but then I said to myself, where the hell will I shop at 1:OOAM when I need something? Fuck. Trapped like mice in a cage. Sneaky bastards. They've cornered me with this horrible points system. Do you know how long you could go before you'd spend $500 in Duane Reade? You could go months before you saw a $5 coupon. I'd rather not use it now.

Thanks very, much Duane Reade. I've never willing gotten raped in the face before until now and I've got to tell you -- if you're gonna be raping people in the face like this was Ozwald Penitentiary at least have the decency to have Christopher Meloni around. Fuckers.

The fact that Axe has become the popular shower replacement nationwide is more than slightly disconcerting. Apparently, a Wal-Mart in Minneapolis has had such a problem with people shoplifting this product, that they've taken to locking it up behind the cosmetics counter... because so much gets lifted, DAILY, that they RUN. OUT.

No. Really.

Listen... it has been close to, and sometimes OVER 90 degrees outside for the majority of this summer. It is hot. It is humid. People are sweaty and all around disgusting after their daily commutes and whatnot. The world is a crowded place. We all have to live in it. The least we can do, for the consideration of the person stuck on the train next to us, is: Take. A. Fucking. Shower.

Guys - a quick spritz of your cheap-ass smelling Axe will not mask your stank - despite what their commercials will have you believe. They are lying! Do not let them fool you! You are still a stank bastard! SHOWER. SHOWERING IS THE ONLY WAY TO SOLVE THIS.

I wonder if Axe Headquarters is filled with people who never bathe and just dowse themselves with their product whenever they feel "unfresh." Can you imagine? Their staff restrooms all have attendants with bottles of Axe, the way that fancy restaurants have snooty perfumes and not-so-fancy restaurants have AquaNet? When they're done with the facilities, instead of washing their hands, the attendant just sprays some "Tsunami" at them and sends them on their way?

Honestly, with their advertising, I wouldn't be surprised.

A friend of mine told me about this tonight and I didn't believe it was real, so she sent me a link and I am now tormented by the knowledge that it is, indeed, a real product. A dildo for vampire fans. One that you can "toss in the fridge for that authentic experience" ... seriously? The fact that this thing ACTUALLY EXISTS, in a true, non-ironic sense, is so very disturbing. By the way, the dildo purchase page has a link for "expert advice" where they recommend things you may like if you buy this item. The list consists of vampire movies and TV shows. And guess what's on there?

Come on, you know it. What special vampire sparkles in the daylight like this here dildo? Did you guess Edward Cullen? Go you! They're final sell line on the page is actually: "Don't let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today."

Look, I'm going to be really blunt right here... anyone who likes Twilight enough to purchase this thing needs to seriously re-think their existence. They might just be too pathetic to continue on in life.

Speaking of Twilight, I'm actually at a loss as to which of the two items in this post is more disturbing. Please feel free to chime in and let me know which one gives you more nightmares. Here's that is so fucking creepy item number two:

Be safe?

Seriously? Can we talk about your mental idea of safety? And, while we're at it... sanity?

How is this book popular enough to bring about merchandise like this? And... WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS?

I just... I mean... what???

I think I should stop now before someone tells me there's a sparkling Edward Cullen blow up doll made out of ice packs out there somewhere.

Well, you could always switch your source to The Morningstarr. That's where all the important headlines are, anyway.

I have to admit, this news made me smirk... just a little bit. Let me tell you about my experience with organic groceries.

So last year, I was at the market picking up a few things to cook for dinner. I wasn't paying attention to the area of the produce section I was in and accidentally grabbed a bunch of organic broccoli instead of the regular old cheap, pesticide ridden stalk. I realized my mistake at the register, but it was already rung and I didn't feel like making a big fuss and going to switch it out. Besides, everyone says organic is better for you, right?

I take my fancy broccoli home and start my dinner prep, my other veggies were all washed and chopped, I'm getting ready to wash and chop the broccoli... singing that Dana Carvey "Choppin' Broccolaaaaay" song, you know... the standard broccoli cooking prep routine. I'm running the broccoli under the water, and I notice a little brown spot on it, so I go to wash it away, but then see another one. And another one... and some non-broccoli matching green ones... and, you see where I'm going with this. After I shattered every window in my apartment building with my blood curdling screams, threw out everything in my kitchen that the broccoli had touched, and took a shower, I went online to research "MASSIVE INSECT INFESTATION IN ORGANIC BROCCOLI" and found out that my broccoli stalk was suffering from Aphid Infestation. All of the organic food sites I came across seemed to think of this as no big deal... "just boil the broccoli in water and then scoop the dead aphids out of the pot" was actually the advice given on one site.

Let me tell you all - I have not bought fresh broccoli since that day. I AM SCARRED. And that's my favorite vegetable!

I would SO MUCH PREFER to wash away some pesticides than to wash away a COLONY OF INSECTS from my food. And what if you're not cooking it right away? What if I'd stuck that shit in my veggie bin with whatever else I'd had in there and THEY'D MIGRATED.

Listen, I have a terrible fear of insects. It's awful. It's irrational. It's not your normal, every day, "eww, a bug," but still, you've gotta admit, this is gross. It's apparently quite common in organic produce and I have actually seen the aphids on more veggies in organic sections of supermarkets since then, too. Give me the chemicals. Spray that shit 'til it glistens and sprouts an arm, but keep the fucking bugs away from me.

I told a few people what had happened and how I'd never buy organic again, and some of them were like "oh yeah, that's normal, but it's so much healthier to eat that way" or "you're swearing off a really healthy alternative because of one bad experience." So this news about it not being such a health benefit after all? Yeah... that's nice to hear. Enjoy your aphid salad, people. I'll be over here, chowing down on my insect free, compound-chemical-bathed greens.

What they all should be doing is resisting the urge to put shit like this up on the internet and not have anyone of them get compared to a pack of Jimmy Dean Sausage Links. I'm sorry Joe, but you're gonna get crap for this. There's not that many teenage girls in the world who won't think of this as weird, but after reading Chestykins review on Twilight, perhaps this will gain you more popularity in the weird department. Nick looks frightened and the other un-popular brother's barely in it. Someone call Hanson and tell these boys how life is really like.

Joe, this just gave you a ticket on the Speculation Train.

Can we file this under: Things You Should Do With Your Pants ON?

Hey listen. Times are hard during this depression. Even the animals are getting lonely.

I know how they feel.

People actually put this shit in their hair!

Hey the good thing is, "IT'S ORGANIC"

Got a little cushion around the old mid section, or are you just not a mayo type of person? Don't you worry.

Try our amazing line of Hair Relish and Hair Ketchup for your next BBQ bash.